Raining, again.

18949475_473109763037772_4335496235197661184_nIt’s raining gain.

The windows,wet. Outdoors, foggy.

The breeze, cold, as if telling me to feel

the chills of the past once more.

 

The clouds are dark as if hiding something,

Shady as if wanting to pour everything, whining.

 

It’s going to rain, again.

 

Emotions that have been imprisoned forcibly will overflow,

just wanting to explode and set loose

Emotions that I’d thought would cause me to smile

but just brought me sorrow and grief.

 

 

I still remember the first time I felt that way

I  thought it was beautiful like rays of sunshine

giving me warmth and life

 

Thinking that this would fill all the empty voids

but as time goes by it turns

colder and colder,

darker and darker.

 

rage and hatred piled up, hinting

a storm coming up

a typhoon of emotions accumulated from

broken promises and empty words.

 

 

It’s raining again.

 

along with the raindrops

are teardrops, not for regret and remembering you

but for being thankful that a nightmare has ended, a nightmare that is ‘us’.

Umuulan na naman

18949475_473109763037772_4335496235197661184_n

Umuulan na naman.

 
Basa na naman ang bintana, mahamog sa labas

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin na tila ba nagsasabing

damhin kong muli ang ginaw na dulot ng kahapon.

 

Ang mga ulap nagdidilim na para bang may kinikimkim,

Makulimlim na para bang may gustong ibuhos, may daing

 

Uulan na naman

 

Bubuhos na namn ang mga damdaming pilit ikinulong

pero sadyang nagpupumiglas at kumakawala

Damdaming akala ko noong una’y magdudulot sa ‘kin ng ngiti

pero sakit at pighati ang pala ang hatid sa ‘kin

 

 

Naaalala ko pa noong unang beses kong nadama ang ganito

Akala ko maganda ‘to na para bang sinag ng araw

na magbibigay sa ‘kin ng init at sigla

 

Akala ko ito na yung magpupuno sa kung ano mang kulang

na nadarama ko pero habang tumatagal

palamig ng palamig

padilim ng padilim

 

Naipon ang mga galit at pighati

at nagbabadya ang pagbuhos ng bagyo

bagyo ng damdaming nalikom mula

sa mga pangakong napako at mga salitang walang saysay

 

 

umuulan na naman

 

Kasabay ng pagpatak ng ulan ay ang pagpatak ng

aking luha, luha hindi dahil malungkot ako na naalala ka

Kundi luha dahil masaya ako na natapos ang bangungot na ‘tayo.’

Sleepy (Antukin)

14772012651

I feel sleepy.

Your last message for me before you completely changed.

Disappeared.

Gone.

I can’t fully realize how we ended up like this.

How our cheery nights turned dead.

How the smiles when we talk vanished.

Wait, when you said you’re sleepy, I understood it exactly as it sounded.

Have I understood wrong?

Is there something I haven’t seen?

Have I not seen the luster in your eyes when we talk turn dull?

Have I not notice how our nights shorten?

Have I not heard your whispered screams of ‘I am tired’?

Have I understood you correctly when you told me you’re sleepy?

I understood it exactly as it sounded.

I thought you just wanted to sleep.

But when you told me you’re sleepy,

As your eyes closed,

The story we’re creating comes to an end,

At the same time your body takes it rest,

Our weary hearts takes it rest.

Photo illustrated by @luciesalgado

Antukin (Sleepy)

14772012651.jpg

Inaantok na ako.

Huling mensahe mo sa akin bago ka tuluyang nagbago.

Naglaho.

Nawala.

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung paanong humantong tayo sa ganito.

Kung paanong yung mga gabing masigla ay naging matamlay.

Kung paanong ang mga ngiti sa mukha habang nag-uusap ay nabura.

Teka, noong sinabi mong inaantok ka na, akala ko iyon lang iyon.

Nagkamali ba ako?

May hindi ba ako nakita?

Hindi ko ba nakitang wala na ang kislap sa iyong mga mata ‘pag tayo’y nag-uusap?

Hindi ko ba napansing paiksi nang paiksi ang mga gabi natin?

Hindi ko ba narinig ang mga pabulong mong hiyaw ng ‘Pagod na ako’?

Tama bang ang pagkakaintindi ko sa sinabi mong inaantok ka na?

Akala ko ay iyon lang iyon.

Akala ko ang gusto mo lang ay matulog.

Pero noong sinabi mong inaantok ka na,

Sa pagpikit ng iyong mga mata,

Kasabay noon ang pagtatapos ng kuwento na binubuo nating dalawa,

Kasabay ng pagpapahinga ng iyong katawan ay ang

Pagpapahinga ng ating pusong pagod na pagod na.

 

 

 

 

Photo illustrated by @luciesalgado

I feel depressed most of the time so I try to stay away from things that are depressing and sad.

I try not to plunge in the world of loneliness for too long and what’s necessary.

I know my tendencies, so I try to surround myself with positive and good vibes.

I try to stay away to things or situations that might trigger these tendencies. I try not to keep my loneliness to myself.

I try to open, to connect.

I try not to be sad every single second.

I try this because I know there are people who worry about me.

That THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE.

I try not to be SELFISH.

I try to do these things even if it’s draining me because

I DON’T WANT MY DEPRESSION TO CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DEPRESSION.

Try it too, it might just work.